Artist's block

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

If could describe my self a few months ago(or even a year), I would sum it up with one word: clueless. I left college a year ago thinking that I had it all figured out. Ran into the real world with a huge smile on my very eager face and said "Now what?" It was the most difficult question I had to answer. Of course I did what most Grads do, looked for a job but it still wasn't enough for me. I'm not one to follow other people's path, but without having your own direction and guidance, it's very hard not to use someone else map. So I turned to my first love, art, and started dreaming again. I step out of myself for awhile and created. After doing a couple of pieces and shared it with friends and feisbuk friends, some asked me why am I not selling my artwork. Some even asked if I ever thought of going to school for art. It was very hard for me to take my people seriously because I still didn't believe in my abilities even though deep down I know I was made to be an artist with a message.

Although I did price some of my work, I am now experiencing a block. I feel pressured. I have no ideas. Aspiration extinct. I compared myself to other artist's, became envious of their success and recognition, took rejections personally, and paralyzed myself. I have a ton of sketches stored inside my mind and soul but can't put any on paper. My sketches are banging and clawing the walls of my brain, screaming "Tarra bring me to life! Let me breathe!", but every time I pick up that pencil, the music stops and my vision gets blurry.

A few nights ago, I went to bed and cried because I felt like I had no direction or guidance. I felt that everything that I've done was done in vain. I whispered, "Will I ever have guidance and be successful?" The second I said that, I dreamed.

I was on a canoe with approx. 10 other people. The canoe started to sink and everyone jumped into the water and swam to a nearest island. I was the only person remaining on the canoe because I can't swim. People starting throwing floating devices in the water, but I was too afraid that the floating devices would not save me. I past the island where all the people were waiting, and held on to the tip of the canoe. The tip of the canoe lead me to a different island where I saw a tall brown castle/house with the name Gabriel. I stayed on that island, staring at the name Gabriel.


The next morning I woke up and asked google my professor, who is this Gabriel. Gabriel is an archangels who plays an important role in several religion, angel of communication and the arts. She assists us in following our life's path and souls calling.

what what what

I was speechless. I'm far from being a religious person, but I am a spiritual being. Immediately I knew what I had to do. Stop comparing and just do me. I need to start listening to myself. Really stay quiet and just listen. I was stepping in my own way and created this block because I didn't believe in myself and started drawing things that I think people would like and understand. So from now on, I'm going to trust myself and start sketching whatever comes out. I'm not ready to paint (haven't found a studio yet), but my vision is back to 20/10. I'm even thinking of blogging about art pieces that are close to me. I stopped caring if people like my artwork or not, nor do I care if it's misunderstood. When the time is right, I will be that humble artist that caused a commotion at a exhibition, the one who inspired someone to dream again, the one who made young girls recognize their worth and true beauty.

In the meantime, I'll remain silent and just trust...

2 comments:

AMBROSE tHEODORE said...

ok so i was on my blog www.theblackhundred.blogspot.com, and i was going through my old post. And came across a few comments you made on some of my work. So i went through blog and found this post and it basically showed me where i am now as an artiste and human being....So I just wanted to say THANK YOU.

T'arr.a Lu said...

Well I'm glad you commented because it brought me back to how I was feeling then and showed me where I am now as well. So thank you