Thursday, November 5, 2009

I've been thinking about love lately. Not the love between a man and a woman or any of the other arrangements with those two words, but a love between a mother and child. I'm not sure what triggered this sudden urge to procreate, but for some reason I feel ready to have a child. I'm not even thinking about falling in love with my fairy tale beau and walking down the aisle, I strictly want to have a child. No need to be alarm. I'm still living in my right mind and I'm not expecting nor planning on having a baby anytime soon, but I feel ready for one. Obviously I'm not financially prepared, but emotionally I am. Now, I'm no Freud or Mr. Carl Jung, but I think this sudden urge is an affirmation that I'm ready to experience being in love.

I'm 23 years old and can't say I've been in a relationship, let alone in love. I shared my companionship, experienced the why am I heartbroken when it was never even official pain, cried in solitude, and left bizarre relationships feeling empty, misunderstood, with a whole lot of unsolved issues. I don't know why, but when it comes to liaison with men, I either wear my "call me ice queen" mask, or my "let me show you I'm the wifey type" facade. I was soooo bad at playing these different characters that I thought would make a man accept or love me. What I never knew was that it wasn't because I was unsuitable for a man to love me, but it was because I wasn't giving MYSELF the love that I internally sketched. I'm assuming that a lot of this internal tumult has to do with my father who took an absentee for 23 years and my mother who emotionally check out for as long as I can remember. Thus, I never recognized love in my inchoate stages of life. The only time I feel parental love, is by the intangible yet sensible force of mother God. Clearly I have abandonment issues, but little by little, this feeling is faintly lingering behind like shadows.

I don't know exactly when this transformation started, but gradually I'm accepting all the craziness and F-ed up biznis and finding more humor and less dramas in my life. And it's not the hysterical repressed self defense mechanism approach, it's the, I love me and ready to share who I truly am with others, armor. I can honestly say that self-love is the dope-est feeling ever. I'm to a point where if someone tried to insult and denigrate me, I would laugh and say "may peace be with you" and pray for them. Yet withal these proclamations, I'm very aware that I'm not quite ready to enter a relationship. Although I got rid of the biggest load of crap I believed about myself, I still have some wiping and dusting to do. My celestial soul that was always hiding behind eclipses is ready to gleam. I'm ready to share my past, pain, and fear to a man and let him see the painting of my soul. I'm ready to hold a child in my arms and make them feel loved, cherished, and respected.

I'm not sure how to end this oh so personal composition, but what I can say it that I'm truly and strongly happy with who I am.