Conquered by the F

Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I am indeed my worse nemesis. I never been able to trust myself and believe that my talent can take me far. I'm confident in every thing else, except for the gift the Creator gave me. I grew up in a very negative environment with a bunch of brainwashed complex women, and fear that I'm becoming that. I want to move out of Boston and venture out in Chicago or NYC to promote my art and figured that going back to school would help me network with the right folks. I'm currently applying to get my Masters in Journalism with the dream of working for a magazine, but now I'm afraid that I either won't get accepted, or I won't have the money to pay for school. I graduated a year ago and still can't find that right job. The job I currently do is insulting. I work for a government state job where I sit in front of a computer from 9-5 and believe that poking needles in my eyes would be more fulfilling. I don't dream of being rich, but I do want to be successful and be known as an artist/writer. I want to be able to inspire young women and sit back one day and say "Thank you God I'm on purpose and I made it". I prayed to find an opportunity that will expose me to some of the aspects of a publishing industry and recently got a volunteering position as an Editorial Mentor for Teen Voices Magazine based in Boston. Although I am excited about that, I'm still scared that this may not bring me far. And it doesn't help that I live with pesky people who ask me everyday, "Why don't you do nursing? We told you to do nursing. If you do nursing you would be bel tifi (beautiful girl) by now". Let's not even mention my co-workers who say "Well don't you think Law School would be more pragmatic since your degree is in Legal Studies? Sorry to say but you're setting yourself up for a tough life...don't you want to make money?" Sometimes I just want to...AHH! It's to a point where I put all my art tools away, put a pause on my Grad School applications and been living like a robot for a month thinking "what if they're right?". It's like I have a fire burning in the pit of my soul that's not strong enough to ignite.
Caring about what other people think of me and fear of being rejected is definitely my weakness. It's something I'm working on, but honestly I don't know how to trust myself and tell the prominent people in my life to F off and let me be. I don't know why it's so hard to trust myself. I prayed to find a mentor or art studio where I can have stronger and more refined pieces and God helped me find a local art studio that offers classes for $15 classes (which is relatively cheap). So it's like every time I pray for something that puts me on purpose, God gives it to me but I still let fear run my life.

Story of a black girl's pain.